Arrogant Atheist

For many years I had nothing to do with Church, or religion, or God -- note I am not saying that God had nothing to do with me, that would be foolish.

In any case, I had been a churchgoer for as long as I could recall; been baptised in infancy and confirmed at 13. At 14 I decided to join a local theatre group and in a very short time my church attendance dropped off to nothing.

Thinking back to that time, I realise that no-one questioned my leaving the church, not the vicar, not my family, not my friends in the choir. I know that I am responsible for my actions, but leaving was not a conscious decision to make a statement, it was more a tailing off, something better had come along. Would I have stayed with the church if someone had asked me? I genuinely have no idea.

But regardless of that, the fact remains that I did leave. I left, and found that Sunday mornings could be lazy mornings: hearing the church bells ring was no longer a cue to rush for the door, it was just another noise outside.

At some point between 14 and going to university at 18 I had developed an arrogant atheism. I had gone from a benign disinterest in all things religious to a smug self-righteousness: I knew there was no God and I could happily argue with any believer until the end of days.

This was a false persona that I had created. False in that I could not have cogently argued my position, I was in fact repeating clever remarks that I had heard here and there.

This is a rather long-winded way of explaining that now, as a believer in God, I have a remnant in my mind of my previous self. So I quite often find myself questioning the beliefs I have come to accept. There are still many issues that I cannot resolve, and I have a thought which says "Yeah right, and you think there's a God? Pshaw."